A Confession

A Confession

I have a confession to make: the MRI results we received in December were not what I had hoped they would be. My deepest desire was to hear the words, “the tumor is gone.” It was overly optimistic, I knew. The week or so leading up to the MRI I began to ask God to help me be content with the results, regardless of the outcome. It’s not that I didn’t think he could answer my prayer, I just sensed him leading me not to get my hopes up to avoid being let down. I could feel that the journey was still in progress.

I did have full confidence we would be receiving good news. And we did. The tumor had continued to steadily reduce in size. My mobility was still improving. The actual tumor was almost impossible to feel, unless you knew exactly what to expect. I was living my life close to the way I had been before I learned the tumor had grown out of control. We had new options to consider moving forward.

All was well, even if I did still have to go through chemo that day. In retrospect, undergoing chemo that day brought with it many blessings we would have missed.

+ I got to see several of my favorite nurses and, since I was the very last patient to leave the infusion center that day, the atmosphere was light and airy.

+ My friend Andrea was there and I got to share what a typical experience is like – including all of the little details I now find to be fascinating (and a bit miraculous). I learn something new every time I go.

+ I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to say goodbye to the nurse who did my blood work prior to each of my twelve infusions. She was switching jobs in January and it would be the last time I would see her. Instead, we didn’t waste the opportunity and hugged three times for good measure.

But beyond that, here is what I know now. I was weary and ready for some rest, but sometimes if you keep pushing through, the wait is worth it. Because the days between my December treatment, leading up to my January treatment, an amazing thing started to occur. My pain was vanishing. I was forgetting to take my medicine until after I had completed my morning brace time, not even realizing it (thank goodness for reminders). In January, I shared this progress with my doctor and he said if that is the case, I only need to take the meds when I need them – what a victory!

Although I would have loved for December to have been my final day of chemo, I will happily take the gift of pain-free living sans medicine. It wasn’t even a potential reality in my mind. I had become so used to feeling the way I did (and sometimes still do).

It proved to me once again that God knows what we need and he provides.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

It’s rarely what we expect and it certainly doesn’t always align with our desired timing, but nothing beats his good and perfect timing. Recently, this was shared in my devotional, and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to include it here:

I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine. Come to Me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish.

Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark.

Jesus Calling with reference to Ephesians 3:20; Romans 8:6; Isaiah 40:30-31 NKJV; Revelation 5:13


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